How to Deal With a Sex Addicted Spouse

Whether you’ve just learned that you have sex addicted spouse or have been putting up with their addiction for some time, it’s a very painful and complicated issue.

In a committed relationship, sex addiction equates to infidelity. At the core of the hurt and emotional suffering are betrayal and the violation of trust.

Repeated infidelity can do long-term psychological damage to partners of sex addicts, affecting how they feel, think and act.

Disclosure is a vital part of the healing process, and when done with honesty, it can become one of the first positive steps to restoring trust. As essential as it is, though, it comes with a caveat.

While disclosure can be potentially cathartic for the sex addict, it can be a verification of betrayal for their partner. So, where there’s a genuine intention to repair the damaged relationship, each partner needs time and space to process their emotions.

Crucially, this time and space are unlikely to run in tandem, and one might need more or less time than the other.

Therefore it’s vital to keep expectations to a minimum and instead take each day as it comes, particularly in the first few weeks after you’ve discovered your partner’s infidelity.

It’s to be expected that your emotions will feel like a rollercoaster ride; allow it and be kind to yourself. Also, try to avoid making snap decisions around issues that have a long-term impact at this agonizing time.

This article takes a look at sex addiction, how it impacts a sex addict’s spouse, treatment options available and how you can heal and continue with your life.

What is sex addiction?

As the spouse of a sex addict, you must understand what sex addiction is.

While denial and even repulsion may be a plausible reaction, we cannot accept something unless we have at least a basic understanding of what it’s about. After acceptance, you can decide whether you want to stand by your partner or move on with your life without them.

Sex addiction can be described as an uncontrollable and compulsive need to engage in sex acts to gain satisfaction or relief.

While sexual desires are perfectly normal, addicts surrender all control to their urges. As a result, their lives gradually become consumed by thoughts of sex, perusing sexual partners or pleasures, having sex, and dealing with the aftermath.

In active addiction, sex isn’t intimate. It’s a means to relieve mounting internal pressure, anxiety, stress and even depression that in itself can become damaging. Internal pressure can be caused by external circumstances or unresolved psychological issues that the addict can’t handle and wants to escape.

Another angle is mere pleasure-seeking for the sake of it or thrill-seeking through risk-taking. Neither pleasure-seeking nor risk-taking equates to addiction, though. Addiction happens when the addict no longer has control over their actions.

Commonly, a pattern of heightened sexual activity is followed by feelings of self-retribution, remorse, and promises to change. Each time the addict reneges and gives into new urges, they feel more out of control.

As with all addictions, acting out on impulses and urges brings short-term relief, but the effects soon wear off, triggering new compulsions. Over time the addict needs more and more to get the same rush or effect.

There’s a gradual decline in quality of life and deterioration in relationships. Eventually, fulfilling sexual urges takes precedent over family life, social engagements and work responsibilities.

Sex addiction can lead to people living a double life, lying at every turn and sooner or later losing their sense of identity. Overindulgence in sex acts can cause physical pain, injury, and casual sex with multiple partners encourages sexually transmitted diseases (STDs).

Sex addiction isn’t a recognized condition

Because sex is normal, it’s not accepted as an addiction by many influential professional bodies.

The American Psychiatric Association (APA) excluded it under addictions in the current fifth edition of The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). Instead, it’s listed for diagnosis under “other specified sexual dysfunction”.

Conversely, the World Health Organization (WHO) included it in the most recent International Classification of Diseases (ICD-11). It’s defined as an impulse disorder described as being – “a persistent pattern of failure to control intense, repetitive sexual impulses or urges resulting in repetitive sexual behavior“.

The American Society of Addiction Medicine (ASAM) in 2011 redefined addiction as a chronic brain disorder. Making it the first time they’d expanded the definition of addiction to include reward-seeking behaviors such as sex.

To date, no official US controlling body for sex and relationship therapy or psycho-sexual counselling has accepted sex addiction as a separate condition with distinct treatment protocols either.

No diagnostic proposal has yet been approved into any official government diagnostic manual either. Consequently, treatment is provided mainly by professional counsellors who specialize in addiction. Diagnostic and treatment models are often based on research and publications from the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP), founded by the renowned sex addiction counselor, Patrick Carnes.

Key statistics

Based on individual studies, these stats include some on sex addiction and partners of sex addicts. Accurate statistics are hard to come by because sex addiction is behavioral, and disclosure relies on complete honesty from the addict. An addict and their spouse’s fear and shame commonly lead to avoiding treatment as well, contributing to the lack of data.

Sex addiction –

• 90% to 95% of sex addicts are male
• 92% of sex addicts in treatment in the US in 2012 were white
• 87% of sex addicts in treatment admitted to at least one relapse
• 98% of married men in 12-step treatment admitted to at least one relapse
• Men displaying excessive sexual behavior are more inclined to anxiety and depression
• 87% come from dysfunctional families with a history of addiction problems
• 81% of sex addicts had previously been abused sexually (81%), emotionally (97%), and physically (72%)
• Sex addicts often have dual addictions: drug/alcohol addiction (43%), eating disorders (38%), compulsive spending (28%) and gambling addiction (5%)

Partners of sex addicts –

• 60% of spouses threaten to leave after learning about the sex addiction for the first time
• 44.4% weren’t told of the sex addiction before marriage or a committed relationship
• 24.4% were told a little of the sex addiction preceding their relationship commitment
• 7.8% knew the full scale of the problem so they could make an informed decision upfront
• 23.4% of spouses claimed sex addiction only developed after marriage
• 90.1% of partners wanted more information after first finding out
• Of that number, 28.1% wanted only general info, and 71.9% wanted to know everything
• 24% of sex addicts disclosed all, 36.1% a lot, 36.1% a bit and 3.6% refused any information
• 53.5% of partners said that whilst they felt upset, they were relieved to know the truth
• 27.9% of partners said the impact was totally negative, and 18.6% mostly positive
• 41.1% separated, 15.6% moved to separate bedrooms, and 43.3% remained together
• 16.7% of sex addicted spouses took a polygraph test as part of their addiction evaluation
• Of that number, 46.7% of partners said the polygraph confirmed what they’d been told
• 20% said the results helped them build trust again
• 26.7% said the results helped their relationship
• 26.7% found the results very upsetting
• 57.8% of partners who stayed with a sex addicted spouse are victims of severe past trauma or abuse

Signs your spouse is a sex addict

If you’re still unsure whether your spouse is a sex addict, here are some signs –

• Anxiety and depression can both be a cause and trigger of sex addiction. Even though most people who suffer from anxiety and depression aren’t addicts, it can be a vulnerability factor. Only consider it in the presence of other telling signs.
• Emotionally distant behavior can happen when you have a sex addicted spouse. They gradually become more and more emotionally unavailable and disengaged in family and personal relationships. A lack of sexual intimacy and a loss of interest in marital sex may develop as well.
• Isolation and secretive behavior are signs of addiction across the board. Sex addiction progresses in secrecy because although addicts feel fear and shame, they can’t stop. Things like unaccounted time away, staying up alone after bedtime and random “business trips” or “callouts” can be a disguise for sexual pursuits.
• Erectile dysfunction or lack of arousal may have mental and emotional causes. Sex addiction contains a high degree of risk-taking, so there’s an adrenalin addiction that goes with it. In comparison, marital sex becomes dull. This, combined with a sense of guilt and shame, may lead to a lack of sexual performance in long-term relationships.
• Being sexually demanding and unreasonable can indicate that your spouse wants to carry their sexual fantasies into the marital bedroom. While they might still be in love with you, mental distortions and desire can drive controlling behavior that wants more from you. And if you refuse, it can cause anger or rejection.
• Outbursts of anger or stonewalling, especially when it wasn’t an issue previously, can indicate sex addition. Mainly if it happens when the addict is questioned or expected to take responsibility for strange behavior. Generally, they’ll become very defensive when confronted and then either act out in rage or shut down entirely.
• Increasing dishonesty around a host of things, from how they spend their time to their whereabouts and money, becomes the norm. Sex addiction costs time and money that no committed addict with responsibilities can afford, so deceit around these will gradually increase.
• Inappropriate sexual humor that didn’t previously exist can become a problem. It happens because the addict is obsessed with sex, and it’s always on their mind. Inadvertently it will start spilling into conversations. This can lead to inappropriate connotations and expressions even in front of minors that others find offensive.

How a sex addicted spouse affects their partner

Anyone living with an addict of any kind will inevitably find their life descending into unpredictable chaos and hell sooner or later. Your life gradually becomes a reflection of the addict’s suffering.

But possibly even worse! Considering you have no control over the situation, perhaps you don’t understand it, you continually try to trust them, and you repeatedly cover for them too.

Addiction leads to very manipulative behavior that can be extremely cunning, specifically if the addict knows you love them. It’s not uncommon for a sex addicted spouse to try and convince their partner that it’s they who have the problem.

They’ll abuse your love and trust without thinking twice to get their own way or deflect attention away from themselves. Be assured that they know full well what they’re doing to you; they just can’t stop because they have no control over their addiction.

Even if they don’t try to shift blame and insinuate you’re their problem, recurrent exposure to lies, insecurity, and betrayal inflicts deep psychic wounds that have a lasting effect.

Partners are left feeling confused, inadequate, insecure, fearful and uncertain of everything they’d once believed about their spouse and marriage.

Self-doubt, ongoing rejection and emotional pain start to erode self-esteem and confidence. Eventually, the spouse’s sex addiction can consume their partner’s life.

Just like an addict, your mind can begin to obsess over what your spouse is doing, where they are and who they’re with. You might start following them, checking banking transactions and monitoring their social media activity.

All of this while you neglect yourself and your responsibilities. It’s exhausting! And while it’s a normal reaction, it’s both unhealthy and unhelpful.

Many partners of sex addicts turn on themselves to find out what went wrong. Self-blame and guilt only serve to intensify distress and further erode self-esteem and confidence.

Plus, taking responsibility for your spouse’s sex addiction is often playing directly into their hands. Blaming yourself, irrespective of what you think you may or may not have done, gives them an excuse to continue unabated and opens the way to shifting blame.

Once you’re made aware that your spouse has a sex addiction, you can let go of trying to control and compensating for or justifying their actions.

When you can unconditionally accept they’re a sex addict and you didn’t cause their addiction, you can start taking steps towards your healing and recovery.

Essential things you need to know

Although experiences vary and we all react differently, certain inescapable truths apply to both the partner and the sex addicted spouse.

Knowing that you can change the situation with the right help will give you the courage to reach out. Fear and shame trap many people into thinking there’s no way out; it’s not true.

• Only the addict can heal themselves; no one else can do it for them
• The chances of relapse for sex addicts is high
• Even though it may feel as though you’ll never trust again, you will
• Emotional and mental pain heal when we give ourselves time
• Resisting reality won’t change it; resistance only leaves you exhausted and worn out
• Professionals know sex addiction and its impact; there’s no need to feel ashamed
• Intense feelings of anger and even dislike will arise; allow them – you were betrayed
• Mood swings, anxiety and depression, are expected after you’ve been hurt badly
• Address your feelings and problems separately before you try to resolve issues in the marriage
• Total and honest disclosure of the problems, feelings, and emotions must happen if the marriage is going to be repaired successfully
• Forgiveness isn’t forgetting what happened, but neither is sinking into bitterness and retribution; when you’re ready to forgive, set healthy boundaries and keep to them
• If you become confused during counselling, you’re likely starting to see the issue more objectively; give yourself time and allow things to fall into place of their own
• A separation doesn’t necessarily spell the end of the marriage; use it to rebuild yourself and not worry about what your spouse is doing
• Reconciliation can herald the beginning of a new phase in your marriage, however, avoid getting caught up in the second honeymoon; reestablishing trust and rekindling love takes hard work and dedication
• If you don’t want to reconcile, or after reconciliation, you want a permanent separation, have the courage to be honest; you have a life to live and don’t have to accept responsibility for someone else’s problems
• You are much stronger and more resilient than you know

Victim or codependent?

From research, we know many survivors of past trauma or abuse often enter into marriages where they’ll suffer again and potentially develop codependency.

The term codependent refers to someone in an intimate relationship with an addict who develops unhealthy behaviors in the false belief it will change the situation or the addict.

One study found in their group of partners of sex addicted spouses, 41.3% believed they were codependent, while 40.2% said they weren’t. The remaining 18.5% of participants were undecided.

The same study found that 76.9% of partners saw themselves and victims, and only 7.7% thought they weren’t. The balance of 15.4% was undecided.

Seeing yourself as codependent means that you accept a degree of responsibility for your own suffering. Whereas being a victim implies that you have little or no control over the situation.

As the partner of a sex addicted spouse, you certainly are a victim to a large degree. However, you have control over how long you want to remain a victim.

What characterizes codependent behavior?

The longer you stay in a relationship with an active sex addict, the more likely you are to develop codependent traits. It’s almost always unintentional and often to try and keep the marriage afloat, protect yourself, and keep the family unit intact.

Here are some typical codependent behaviors –

• Honestly believing that you cannot survive without your spouse
• Developing patterns of avoidance to circumvent conflict and anger
• Lying to others to cover for the addict’s actions (or lack thereof)
• Repeatedly turning a blind eye to deception rather than facing reality
• Doing things to appease the addict in the hope that they’ll change
• Agreeing to sex acts that transgress your levels of comfort and morals
• Neglecting yourself (and your family) to “be there” for the addict
• Blaming others (including yourself) for your spouse’s addiction
• Directing misplaced anger at others, like sex workers, instead of at your spouse
• Assuming responsibility for your spouse’s obligations to spare them from any aftermath
• Continuing to provide home comforts and financial assistance when your spouse doesn’t contribute their share
• Accepting your spouse’s same excuses time and again and not making any rules or setting healthy boundaries

If you think you’re codependent, you must get treatment to help yourself recover fully and learn what healthy boundaries and marital roles are. If you don’t, codependent responses to emotional trauma will continue to negatively impact your marriage and any future relationships you may have.

Sexual betrayal and PTSD

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) has been linked to partners of a sex addicted spouse.

Infidelity, which lies at the heart of the pain suffered by a sex addict’s partner, is attachment trauma. This occurs when one partner in a relationship violates the expectations of love, faithfulness and loyalty to the other.

Generally, we go into any committed relationship fully believing the commitment is mutual, and we’ll be able to work through any arising issues together. However, the extreme nature of deceit involved in infidelity isn’t easy to either accept or process, let alone forgive and forget.

Most of us view our spouse as our safe haven, sanctuary and home base, the one person who’ll always be there for us and who we can turn to. Instead, your spouse has betrayed, humiliated and deeply hurt you.

Considering this, learning that your deep-seated belief isn’t true is devastating and shocking. All you’ve built up around your marriage comes crashing down and shatters to pieces. It’s a life-changing event that can turn your world upside down in a matter of seconds.

Partners experience a range of emotions, including shame, helplessness, self-doubt and unworthiness. They can also begin to lose faith and believe they’re inadequate, unlovable, damaged and unable to trust anyone ever again.

The distress of learning the truth is made worse if the sex addicted spouse blames their partner for their infidelity and deceit.

Given the pain and trauma, many start believing life will never get better, they’ll never be happy again, and they have no future. Under these circumstances, it doesn’t take long for anxiety and depression to set in.

PTSD doesn’t have to be long-term, and something that reduces your quality of life and negatively affects all your relationships. With treatment, you’ll not only heal; you’ll also gain a broader understanding of what happened and how you can mitigate experiencing the same in future.

Together with professional treatment, these essential steps will help you recover from PTSD –

• You don’t deserve to be betrayed or lied to, no matter what
• Keep away from negative people who want to fan the flames of your situation
• Mix with people who love and support you
• Follow a healthy lifestyle and take care of yourself
• Face reality rather than turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms like self-medicating with alcohol or drugs, over or under-eating or indulging in risky behavior, such as casual sex
• Don’t give in to your dark side and avoid obsession or entertaining thoughts of revenge; it might provide temporary relief but won’t take your underlying hurt away
• Limit contact with your spouse to only what’s vital, particularly if they’re not in treatment
• Give yourself the time you need to heal and only make decisions you’re comfortable with
• If reconciliation is on the cards, know that your spouse isn’t entitled to your immediate forgiveness; they must be prepared to work at gradually regaining your trust

Dealing with relapse

Unfortunately, as with all addictions, the chances of your sex addicted spouse relapsing is high.

Even with treatment and an ongoing recovery plan, many sex addicts relapse more than once.

Whether your spouse confesses to a “slip up”, or you discover their infidelity again, the emotional impact for you will probably be the same.

The pain of betrayal of trust and the deep disappointment that goes with it never gets easier, no matter how many times we go through it.

If, after discovering you’re married to a sex addict, you’ve decided to repair your damaged marriage, relapse must be one of the upfront considerations. Don’t wait for it to happen first, and don’t believe it won’t happen, irrespective of your spouse’s sincerity.

Once you’ve both started treatment to resolve your issues separately, couples counselling is highly recommended. A professional therapist can provide you with tools to use individually and as a couple to recognize signs of relapse and how to deal with it.

They can help you set up rules and boundaries for if a relapse happens, too.

Don’t make the mistake of living your spouse’s addiction recovery plan for them. Genuine recovery will only ever happen if the sex addict does the work and faces the consequences of their behavior.

For example, the sex addict must fully disclose their relapse before getting found out, or if there’s a relapse, you’ll move to a separate bedroom. You might want to take a firm stand, as well, saying that if there’s a relapse, the marriage is over.

Both of you must clearly understand your marriage recovery plan and what your roles are.

Your role is to gradually open up to trusting your sex addicted spouse again, refraining from hypervigilant behavior and building the marriage up rather than breaking it down.

The sex addict must learn how to take responsibility for their actions, understand the pain they cause you and others, and be willing to accept the full consequences of their actions.

Treatment options

Avenues of treatment mainly involve therapy models to encourage behavioral changes. You need to understand yourself and your needs and emotions before you can attempt to repair your marriage.

• Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT): is a short-term treatment of around 20 sessions with a qualified therapist. Depending on your progress, treatment can be extended. CBT uses systematic exposure to distressing issues and how you respond and then teaches new skills. The focus is on identifying irrational, harmful and unhealthy beliefs and replacing them with positive, healthy views.
• Psychotherapy: is a more long-term approach to treatment. It involves exploring past life events so that they can be processed and released. Unresolved issues can cause anxiety or fear that leads to wrongful thinking, accepting the unacceptable and normalizing abuse.
• Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing: works well in cases that involve past traumatic experiences and PTSD. It’s a relatively new, non-traditional treatment that takes an 8-stage approach that consists of reliving traumatic events in small doses while the therapist directs eye movement. The aim is to encourage the recollection of distressing events while diverting attention. This makes them less emotionally upsetting.
• Mindfulness training: teaches patients to become more aware of the present moment and detached from reliving past events and fearing the future. However, instead of resisting negative thoughts that come up, they’re purposely observed and cognitively reframed as expected and tolerable. Mindful-based treatments benefit overall mental health and wellbeing and explain how to calmly respond to distressing situations rather than reacting and becoming overwhelmed.
• Behavioral therapy focuses on ways to change patterns of behavior and reactions to internal or external triggers.  There are various approaches, including –
  • Aversion therapy where unwanted behaviors are associated with uncomfortable or unwanted experiences to bring about gradual change.
  • Systematic desensitization combines gradual exposure to fears with relaxation exercises. Over time fear-driven reactions and behaviors get replaced with relaxation responses.
  • Flooding takes a different approach to fears and involves immediately facing them head-on and working through the effects to change perceptions and reactions.
• Support groups: speaking to people who intimately know the problem and listen without judgement can be very beneficial. Support groups help members realize they’re not the only ones going through distressing events. Group members offer comfort and share their experiences. Being in a support group provides hope and gives an outlet to voice feelings honestly.

How to help someone with a sex addicted spouse

One of the most crucial aspects of helping someone with a sex addicted spouse is to accept that the sex addict has a medical condition rather than being immoral.

Nevertheless, it can’t be an excuse for abusing their partner’s trust, eroding their self-esteem and destroying their marriage.

If the partner has approached you and confided that they’re married to a sex addict, helping them becomes much easier. But if you’re only acting on your suspicions, it makes the situation more challenging for you.

Tread very carefully and avoid using the term “sex addict”, particularly if the partner doesn’t believe their spouse is one or is unaware that the condition exists.

Even if the partner has reached out, avoid giving advice. Remember that confiding something that’s not only deeply painful but also carries a shameful stigma takes a lot of courage; treat them very gently.

Offer to conduct research together on what sex addiction is, the steps required for recovery, and relapse prognosis. Stay supportive at all times and avoid becoming coercive, regardless of how negative you feel about the situation or their spouse.

By understanding sex addiction together, you can help the partner see that it’s not their problem and there’s little they can do to change the addict’s behavior. Encourage them to seek help for themself first and prioritize their health and wellbeing over that of the sex addict.

As much as you might want to tell them to leave their spouse, it’s vital to allow them time to make their own decisions. Overwhelm can very quickly take over, and they can push you away.

If this happens, it’s not because they don’t want your support; rather, it’s that fear and confusion has taken over. Too much pressure can result in them ending up suffering even more on their own.

That’s because living with a sex addicted spouse can make the partner feel powerless and inadequate. So pressurizing them to get out only adds to their feeling of having no control. On the other hand, being patient and letting them make decisions in their own time brings a sense of personal power.

Unless you’ve lived with an addict, it’s tough to understand the emotional trauma and mental paralysis experienced by their partner. Always remain mindful of that fact when dealing with them.

Avoid setting dire ultimatums, as well. It can be very tempting if you’re very close to and love the person. For example, you may think telling them not to ask for your help again unless they leave their spouse will prompt them to take action.

Sadly, the opposite is true if they’re not strong enough to act yet; they’ll likely be left feeling rejected and even more alone.

Be willing to offer support if they’re ready to go for treatment, and above all, have patience with them. Healing from such deep trauma and betrayal is a process that takes time.

Helpful telephone numbers

• S-Anon International: contact online
• Sisterhood of Support: contact online
• 7 Cups: contact online
• SAMHSA National Helpline: 1-800-662-4357
• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255 (24 hours a day, 365 days a year)

Books worth reading

All books listed are available on amazon.com –

• Living With A Sex Addict: The Basics From Crisis To Recovery – Linda Hatch
• From Betrayal Trauma To healing And Joy: A Workbook For Partners Of Sex Addicts – Marsha Means
• Steps Along My Shore: My Personal Tale & Tips When Discovering You’re Married To A Sex Addict – Elsie Amata
• Help Her Heal: An empathy workbook for sex addicts to help their partners heal – Caro Juergensen
• Pouring Into An Empty Vessel: My Life Married To  A Sex Addict – Mary Gillespie
• Sex Addiction – The Partners’ Perspective: A Comprehensive Guide To Understanding And Surviving Sex Addiction For Partners And Those Who Want To Help Them –  Paula Hall
• How Can I Ever Trust You Again? Infidelity – From Discovery To Recovery In Seven Steps – Andrew G. Marshall

Conclusion

While sex addiction has little to do with sex, for the partner of a sex addicted spouse, it brings severe psychological trauma and is the ultimate betrayal within marriage.

A sex addict’s life revolves around getting what they want in the moment with no thought of consequences for themselves or anyone else. And to get what they want, they lie, cheat and manipulate the one person who has placed all their hope and trust in them – their partner.

Living with a sex addict is joining them on their path of self-destruction and destroying everything around them, and along the way, you’ll get torn too.

Personal recovery and repairing the marriage, if that’s what you want, requires that you first focus on your own mental health and wellbeing before trying to help your spouse.

Only if your spouse accepts their sex addiction can you make any valuable progress, though, and that’s something only they can do.

Unfortunately, relapse for sex addicts is high.

For that reason, if you think that your marriage is worth saving, you must stay in therapy and join support groups. Also, surround yourself with supportive and positive people.

Ensuring you have adequate backing and access to help, coping skills and tools to keep you anchored in reality are vital.